Realization
by Bethanee
Summary: This my first fanfiction, but I have become a big Luka and Sam fan so I thought that I would write about how I think the new season will start based on some spoilers already out. Please let me know what you think.
1. Default Chapter

Luka walked through his door and absently through his keys on the table. He fell onto the couch not quite ready to face the reality of what just happened. "She left....they left" he said aloud to himself. There were so many questions filling his head that he needed answers to, but there was nobody to ask. Right now all he had was the memory of them driving away. And all he can see is the look on Sam's face when he tried to get her to talk to him. Never had he seen her look so vulnerable and frightened. That was not the face of the strong mature women he knew her to be. That was the look of a frightened girl who seemed desperate and empty of hope. He knew that look well, because until recently, for many years it stared back at him whenever he looked in a mirror. What the hell happened! Though deep down he knew Steve had something to do with this. He never should have left her. He should have just talked to her, "DAMN IT", he shouted. If only he she would of come to him, but why should she. He had broken up with her, for what he though was an opportunity for Alex to have a real family. The irony is that Luka was now certain that he was the one meant to give that to them, just as he was certain they were also meant to give it to him. Luka leaned forward, placing his arms on his knees staring intently in front of him as if trying to make them magically appear by sheer will. The realization of the situation finally hit him. In all probability he was never going to see them again. He placed his face in his hands trying to hide from the anguish of what he had just lost. For the first time in a very long time Luka gave into his pain and silently began to weep.  
  
It was 9:30pm and Sam was well out of the city. But the further she drove away from Chicago the more she remembered the pain on Luka's face as she told him that her and Alex were leaving. God! This was so much harder then the last times. Never before did she start questioning her decision to leave so quickly and if she did she always managed to reason it out as being for Alex's own good. But right now driving away from the first home her and Alex had in a long time, she was questioning herself and only coming up with more questions. With that last thought she looked in her rear view mirror at Alex, who was sitting quietly staring out the window, with a looked that could only be described as...resigned. "We'll find a hotel and stop for the night and pick up a couple of hamburgers o.k. Alex?" "Whatever." Sam sighed understanding Alex's anger and reluctance to talk. She tried to draw him out of his self imposed silence. "Listen I know how you must feel, in fact...." "You didn't even let me say good-bye, and I probably won't ever see him again!" Alex shouted at her before she could finish what she was saying. His voiced filled with anger and the unmistakable crackling of someone trying very hard not to cry. "Don't worry, knowing your father he'll track us down eventually" Sam winced at the harshness she heard in her own voice. "I wasn't talking about him." Alex said so softly that Sam barely heard him, but she knew exactly who he was talking about....Luka. She had been trying very hard to avoid thinking of not seeing him again and how that would make her feel. But the reality of never seeing Luka again hit her in an instant. The power of that realization struck with such force that she had trouble catching her breath. He was the only man that brought her joy. Just his presence in her life made her happy and now that was gone, by her own choice. "What am I going to do?" Sam whispered. Not knowing the answer Sam focused on the road looking for a motel to stay at for the night and trying not to let Alex hear her cry. 


	2. Hope

Luka stood alone outside the E.R bay oblivious to the freezing cold weather. He just needed some breathing room from people asking him about Sam. Apparently before she took off she had left a message for Kerry explaining that she was leaving town for an indefinite period of time and would not be returning to work. At least that's what Kerry had said when she asked some of the other nurses if one of them could work a double to cover Sam's shift. It had been so hard for him to go to work, knowing that she wasn't going to be there. Even over the past couple of days before she left and they had not been together, just the nearness of her was enough for Luka. But now he didn't even have that and it was almost too much to handle.  
  
"How are you doing?" Luka hadn't even heard Carter approach.  
  
"Fine. Why do you ask?" Luka replied giving Carter a half smile knowing full well the meaning behind the question.  
  
"I heard about Sam. I'm sorry. Do you think that she will come back?"  
  
Luka knew the answer was no, but to say it out loud and acknowledge the reality again was something Luka was not prepared to do, even in front of his friend. Instead he just shrugged his shoulders at Carter. "Well maybe she just needs a little time..." Carter started to say "Tell Kem I said hi." Luka said before he could finish. With that Luka turned around and walked back into the hospital.  
  
Sam had stopped around 11:00pm for the night at a small but clean hotel off of the highway. The room was small, but it had two double beds and a small TV with cable and a coffee pot. It wasn't ten minutes after they entered the room, exhausted from the drive, that they were fast asleep.  
Unable to sleep anymore, Sam turned over and picked up her watch from the nightstand only to see that it was 5:30am. With a groan she got up and quietly started to make coffee so not to wake up Alex.  
Sitting on her bed in the quiet with a cup coffee in her hands, she watched Alex sleeping and began to really question her decision. He didn't deserve this she thought, neither did she for that matter. They both were feeling pretty good about their lives in Chicago. He made some good friends and was doing great in school. She was at a job that she really liked and worked with some great people, some of which she considered friends. But more importantly there was Luka. He was the first man to make her want to believe in childhood dreams of happily ever after and that was one of the nicest feelings she had in long time. But that was ruined with the arrival of her ex. Damn it! Why did he have to show up again and ruin things? But as soon as that question left her head another one popped right in behind it "Why do I let him?" Because she knew that running was easier then trying to fight Steve and his influence over Alex. But what kind of example is that for Alex, she thought. Sacrificing their long awaited happiness and stability because of a man unable and unwilling to sacrifice anything for the people he says he cares about. In a flash Sam got angry, not at Steve, but at herself. She allowed this to happen, but not anymore. She would not allow Alex or herself to sacrifice any more of their lives. At that moment Sam decided to stop running...from everyone.  
  
"Hey Kovac!" Frank yelled at Luka, who just had come down from X-Ray and was approaching the front desk. Luka had only been at work for five hours but it seemed like he had been on all day and he wasn't really in the mood to deal with Frank at the moment.  
  
"What? I'm busy" which was a lie. The one day Luka needed the E.R. to be busy and distract him as much as possible was the one day that it wasn't.  
  
"Hey don't yell at me." Frank replied throwing his hands up in front of himself. "Did you know that you had a message?" Frank said while waving a little piece of white paper. "It must have come in while I was on break." He said as he handed the piece of paper to Luka.  
  
"Thanks." Luka looked at the message but all it had was his name, a phone number and the word important underlined. "Hey Frank do you know what city uses the 502 area code?" he called out while starting to dial. "Do I look like a phonebook?" was the only reply he got as Frank started straightening out the desk.Luka patiently waited for someone to pick-up. After about the 6th ring he was about to hang up figuring the number was written wrong. Just as he was pulling the phone away from his ear he heard someone pick up with a faint hello. Luka rushed to pull the phone back, "Hi...hello this is Dr. Kovach. I was given this number...." "LUKA!" "ALEX!" "How did you find us? Where are calling from? I didn't think that I would get to talk to you again. Can you come and get me? Where are you? How did get this number?" Alex could not contain his excitement at hearing Luka's voice. "Alex slow down. Is everything alright? Are you and your mom o.k.? "We're fine. How did you get this number?" "You didn't call the hospital and leave a message for me?" Luka said with a bit of confusion. "No." Luka knew that there was only one other person who could of called and for the first time in what seemed like ages, Luka felt the twinges of hope. "Alex is your mom with you?" "No, she went to see if she could find some more towels and....wait a minute." Luka could tell that someone had entered the room. He heard the faint murmurings of two people talking then the sound of the phone being passed over to another person. "Luka?" Sam said more as a question then a statement even though Alex had just finished telling her that it was him. Luka hadn't realized that he was holding his breath until he heard her voice, "Sam, are you o.k.?" "I'm fine, we both are. Thanks for calling me back." "No don't thank me I'm just glad you called and that you both are alright." There was a moment of silence when both of them were trying to figure out how to proceed. "Listen Sam I don't know what happened to make you leave but there are some things that I need you to know, that I need to tell you and ..." "I miss you." There she said it and felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off of her shoulders she was on the way to taking back her life. "Where are you?" Luka asked afraid that the intensity of his emotions at hearing those three words were about to render him motionless. All he wanted was to get to her as soon as possible. "We are in some motel off of hwy 105. But I plan on coming back tomorrow. I would leave tonight but I am still a little tired from the drive and I don't want to risk it." "Just tell me the name of the motel and I'll come to you" "Luka you don't have to..." Sam started to say. "I know I don't have to but I want to." The finality in Luka's voice gave Sam all the encouragement she needed to give him directions to her and Alex. After Sam finished giving Luka all the information he needed they said their good-byes, "So I'll see you in a few hours. Drive safely O.K." "I'll be fine, oh and Sam." "Yes." "I miss you too, both of you." With that said Luka hung up the phone, told Frank he had to leave and was out the door in a matter of seconds.  
  
"I miss you too, both of you" Sam kept replaying those words back in her head unable to keep the smile off of her face or the tears from forming in her eyes. "Mom, is everything alright?" Alex asked after coming out of the bathroom. "It's going to be Alex, it's going to be." 


	3. Explaination

Thanks again for all the great reviews. If someone can help me out with a beta reader it would be greatly appreciated. Like I said, I am a total novice at posting stories on the net so I am not sure what else I should be doing.  
  
I know I promised to make the chapters shorter, but I got a little carried away with this one... sorry. Let me know what you think.  
  
"Mom quit pacing. I'm sure Luka is fine" Alex said.  
  
"I know. I'm just nervous," she said almost to herself while looking out the window of the room. Sam turned to Alex, "Listen Alex when Luka does get here he and I will need some time alone to talk, O.K?" But Alex only heard half of the sentence, because through the window he saw a familiar form approaching.  
  
"Luka!" he yelled and ran out the door towards his friend.  
  
Luka heard his name and saw Alex running towards him. It took Alex a matter of seconds to reach Luka and throw himself into his arms. Luka hugged Alex like it had been months instead of days since they had last seen each other.  
  
Luka suddenly saw Sam standing just outside the door of the room. She was wiping her eyes and seemed to be taking a moment to steady herself. Slowly he put Alex down on the ground.  
  
"Hi"  
  
"Hi"  
  
Alex was right in the middle of the two. He looked from Luka to Sam then back again finally settling his eyes on his friend. "Luka I am so glad you're here. When we left..."  
  
"Alex" his mom gently interrupted him, "would you mind if Luka and I talked alone for a little bit?"  
  
Alex looked at his mom then back at Luka, "O.K, I'll go watch TV." As he was leaving he looked at his mom one last time and told her in no uncertain terms to be nice to Luka.  
  
Both watched until Alex made it to the room and closed the door behind him. Luka and Sam stood and waited until the door had closed behind him. Then turned back to face each other and enjoyed the sight of one another for a few minutes.  
  
"Part of me can't believe that you actually came."  
  
"I told you I was coming"  
  
"I know, it's just no one has ever..." Sam started to say but decided she didn't want to spoil this moment with talk of past disappointments. "It doesn't matter. Do you want to sit down?" she said pointing to the table and chairs near the motel pool. Luka nodded his head and they made their way over to that area.  
  
Sam started off the conversation, "I want to apologize for just taking off like that without giving you any explanation. I know how much you care for Alex and..." "I care about both of you." Luka said interrupting her, locking his eyes with hers. "Sam before we start talking about the reasons you left there is something that we need to discuss," he said breaking the spell they had put each other under.  
  
"I came because I realized just how much I did care about both of you. In fact right now it's taking all my energy not to pull you into my arms and show you just how much I care about you."  
  
Sam just looked at him in surprise, unsure how to respond.  
  
"But before I do that there is something that I need to talk to you about."  
  
"What is it?" Sam said apprehensively.  
  
"Me"  
  
"I don't understand. What about you?"  
  
"I have never been able to commit to any one relationship that I have had since my wife. And a big part of it was my fault. I wasn't willing to go the extra step, with any woman, which was necessary to have a healthy relationship. I refused to share a part of myself with them. Oh I had no problem giving them my body, but I was never ready to give my heart ... my soul. That was the one thing I was never able to do."  
  
"In what way do you mean?" Sam asked.  
  
"In order to let someone in I knew that I would have to share all of myself with them which meant sharing my family with them." Luka said to Sam.  
  
"Luka I know that it must be hard for you to talk about your past with your family. I never asked because I didn't want to push you into anything that you weren't ready to talk about."  
  
Luka sat silent for a moment, "You know over these past years in Chicago, and other places before that, when people have learned of my past, my family, they had always assumed I didn't speak of them because it was too painful, that I relived the pain of their deaths anytime they were mentioned.." Luka paused a little bit, as if he had just realized something. "The first few years that was true, but later I began to realize that a big part of it was me being selfish."  
  
Again, Luka paused trying the figure out how to explain something he'd never tried to put into words before.  
  
"Have you ever known or had something that was so special to you that by sharing it you felt as if you were losing a part of it?"  
  
Sam knew that the question was rhetorical, so she said nothing and waited for him to continue without interruption.  
  
"That's how I feel about my family. My memories of them are here" he said pointing to his heart, "and here" pointing to his head. "Of all my possessions those memories are the most valuable, there're priceless. There have been people in my life that I have cared about, but there was always something holding me back from sharing with them these precious memories. Every time I tried it just felt wrong, like...."  
  
"Like, by sharing you were letting go." Sam said with a voice of understanding.  
  
Finally someone understood. Luka could see the comprehension in her face. He closed his eyes for a second and silently thought "Thank you God for finally sending her to me." Sam gently took hold of his hand, patiently waiting for him to continue.  
  
"Yes," he said while nodding his head, "that by sharing those memories I was somehow letting go of them, saying good-bye to the life that we all had together and I was never ready to do that for anybody, at least until I met you."  
  
Sam smiled, but there were tears in her eyes, "Well when you're ready, I would love to get to know them."  
  
Luka looked at Sam and knew he was ready, that she was the one he had been waiting for to open up to about his life, his whole life.  
  
The hours flew by as Luka talked to Sam about his past; his childhood, his med school days, his marriage and his kids. By the end, Luka felt as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. By sharing his memories with Sam, he hadn't lost any of the joy that the memories always held for him. He felt at peace and closer to Sam then he ever believed possible.  
  
"Thank you for telling me." Sam said with genuine gratitude as she tenderly placed her hand on his cheek.  
  
"Thank you for listening." With that said Luka gently took Sam's face in both his hands and gave her the kiss he had longed to give her the moment he arrived.  
  
They eventually went back to the room together and ordered pizza for dinner. Alex was ecstatic to learn that they were headed back to Chicago in the morning.  
  
The rest of the night was filled with laughter and an occasional pillow fight which pitted Sam & Alex against Luka and then Alex against Sam & Luka. Anyone looking at them that night never could have imagined the turmoil they all had gone through to get to where they were. All they would see were three people who made a lovely family. 


	4. Coming Clean

Sorry that this 4th chapter has taken so long. Thanks to everyone for their great feedback.

I would like to especially thank Naomi for her great edits.

Please let me know what you think. I am not sure if I am going to continue with another chapter. Opinions would be great.

Sam sat outside in the ambulance bay thinking about the past few days. After arriving back in Chicago; things had been going pretty smoothly. With Luka's help, they had quickly moved everything back into the apartment. She went to Kerry to ask for her job back. She would not have succeeded though, if not for Luka. Thank God for Luka. He had put in a good word for her to Kerry and got some added support from Carter. Plus, she hadn't heard from Steve and she didn't know if that was good or bad. But in all honesty, she was at a point where it didn't bother her one way or the other.  
  
Then in the span of a 15 minute conversation all hell had broken loose. God, when would she learn to control her mouth? It had happened that morning. Alex had already left for school and Sam was fixing some coffee for herself and Luka, who had spent every night there since their return.  
  
"I start my shift an hour later then you, but I was thinking that I would just go in when you do." Sam was saying as she poured two cups of coffee for herself and Luka.  
  
"You want to go in an hour earlier then your scheduled shift? What can't stand to be away from me that long?" Luka replied in a joking voice, taking his coffee from Sam and giving her a kiss on her lips."  
  
"Well, we're just a little full of ourselves this morning." She replied with a smile. "Actually I just don't want to stay here alone if I don't have to."  
  
"Are you afraid Steve may show up?"  
  
"No. What brought that up?" Sam asked, truly perplexed  
  
Luka ignored the questions and began to ask Sam something that has been on his mind for a while, "Sam, I been thinking and I was wondering if you and Alex would like to come live with me. My place is closer to both work and Alex's school. We could figure out a way to create another bedroom. Plus, you and Alex would be safe there... safe from Steve."  
  
Sam gave Luka a stunned look, "We would be safe?" She murmured as she turned and walked over to the sink. "Is that what all this was about? You playing hero?"  
  
"No, no, that's not what I meant, it's just..." he started to explain.  
  
"You know Luka I am not some damsel in distress. I have been taking care of myself and Alex for a long time now...way before I met you. If that is the only reason you can think of for wanting us to live together then forget it." Sam yelled with hurt and anger mingled in her voice. "Listen, I changed my mind I'll wait until later to go into work. I'm going to go take a shower, just lock the door when you leave." With that said, Sam went to the bathroom slammed the door and put the shower on full blast. After a few minutes she heard the faint sound of the front door shut. Only then did she allow herself to cry over her own stupidity.  
  
A familiar presence brought he back to the present. "You on a coffee break?" Luka asked trying to break some of the tension. "Nah. I put vodka in here on special days." He gave her a smile and sat down next to her. "You know when I asked you about all of us living together; I wasn't trying to be any kind of hero." Sam wasn't sure how to reply. She knew that she should apologize for her behavior, but she was just too embarrassed at the moment, so she remained silent.  
  
Luka shifted slightly, and Sam could tell from the look on his face that he had something important to say. "I asked you to move in with me because I love you. I'm in love with you, and maybe... I don't know, maybe you feel the same."  
  
Sam was rendered speechless. She wasn't sure that she heard him right, God she hoped she did though. "Did you just say that?" she said not realizing she spoke out loud.  
  
Luka took Sam's hands, "I've spent too much time wasting time. So whenever you're ready, let me know."  
  
Sam was about to respond, but that instant an ambulance pulled up. After that the day just flew by with patient after patient. Sam never had a moment to speak privately with Luka. Hours later she was outside helping a patient into a cab when she spotted Luka waking towards the garage, his shift already over.  
  
"Luka!...Luka wait!", Sam yelled running towards him. Luka stopped in his tracks when he heard Sam's voice and turned around to face her. "Is something wrong?" he asked "No, it's just... I need to talk to you." There was a tone in Sam's voice unfamiliar to Luka that caused a slight chill down his spine. "What did you need to say?" Luka spoke almost in a whisper Sam looked at Luka and forgot everything that she rehearsed earlier. Standing in front of him, looking into his eyes, she was almost to nervous to tell him her feelings. She knew this was going to be hard but she underestimated just how hard it would be standing in front of him face to face. But for the first time in her life both her head and her heart were in total agreement, so she let it spill out.  
  
"What you said to me earlier...about being in love with me and thinking that I feel the same. Well, I just wanted to talk you about that so that there are no misunderstandings. That we are both on the same page."  
  
All Luka could do was nod an o.k.  
  
"Well," Sam started to say unable to keep eye contact with Luka. "I want, no I need you to know that I don't feel the same, that ..." She wasn't able to continue because as soon as those words left her mouth Luka immediately turned around and started to walk away.  
  
"Luka, where the hell are you going?" Sam asked as she caught up to him and pulled him around to face her.  
  
"Listen Sam," Luka said, sounding irritated, "I know what your going to say. 'Luka you're a great guy but you deserve someone who can give you what I can't right now', or 'I can't love you the way you deserved to be loved' or my favorite 'It's not you it's me.'"  
  
Sam reached up and gently placed her hands on the sides of Luka's face. "Will you shut up and please let me finish," she said gently. Taking her hands from his face, she grabbed both of his and held them tightly. Looking into his eyes she started to explain,  
  
"Like I was saying, I don't feel the same because what I feel for you is something more than love. How you make me feel about myself, about my life is unlike anything that I have ever experienced. You have helped me achieve a type of happiness that I never dreamed possible . . . you showed me how to love Luka and how to be loved," Sam stopped and just looked at this man, who in a relatively short period of time had become such a huge part of her life.  
  
Still holding on to his hands, Sam started to get a little nervous when Luka didn't say anything. She had been scared and feeling a little bit vulnerable about revealing the true depth of her emotions. She knew what she felt for him was by far greater then what he felt about her, but that was expected. He already had his great love, but he was her first and definitely last great love. Sam had decided that whatever love he could give her would be enough.  
  
Sam could see the effect of words in his eyes. He gently pulled her into a hug and just held her.  
  
Still within his embrace, Sam broke the silence, "Luka I know that you don't quite feel as much as I do, but it's o.k....."  
  
"Shhhhhh" Luka said pulling slightly away from the embrace placing his finger on Sam's lips. "You're wrong. I feel exactly the same way you do. You're just better with words then I am." He placed his palm on her cheek and gently rubbing her bottom lip with his thumb.  
  
"Luka, you don't have to say that. I am o.k. with all that you are able to give me. You had a life before me filled with love and happiness. I understand that part of your heart will always belong there. You already had your first love. I just wanted you to know that you are mine. I know I have a part your heart, but I needed you to know that you will always have all of mine."  
  
"First of all Sam, I am not just saying this to make you feel better. Your right, I did experience my first love with my wife. I experienced my first everything with her, but when my family died so did the person that I had been. I became a completely different after their deaths. Only after I met you did I begin to return to the person I used to be. I was reborn with you. You brought me back." Luka cupped her face in his hands and looked directly into her eyes. "Don't you understand Sam? You taught me how to love and be loved again."  
  
Luka leaned down and kissed Sam with passion and strength she only believed possible in romance novels. Sam could feel the strength of his emotions engulf her. She was never one to believe in the girlish fantasies of true love or soul mates, but standing in front of this man who she could not envision a life without, she became a believer.  
  
As they pulled away from their kiss, Luka wiped away the tears of joy that had streamed down Sam's face. In return Sam did the same for Luka.  
  
"So," Luka said without releasing her from their embrace, "...does this mean that you may be open to the idea of you and Alex moving in with me."  
  
"On one condition." Sam said placing her hands on his chest.  
  
"Anything" Luka replied as he gently ran one hand up and down her back while the other one was stroking her cheek.  
  
"A new place. Nothing fancy. But if we are all going to live together we will need something bigger then your apartment."  
  
"I already thought of that. I kind of started talking to a realtor about houses." he said with a shy smile. Sam was beyond excited about the prospect of starting a new life with Luka and Alex in a new home, their home. She hadn't lived in a house since she was a child.  
  
"I can't believe you did that. You're one pretty confident guy" she said with laughter in her voice.  
  
Luka looked at her and in all seriousness said, "I don't know about confident, but I was pretty damn hopeful."  
  
Reluctantly Sam pulled herself out of Luka's embrace, "I better get back and finish my shift before Kerry regrets hiring me back." She reached up and gave Luka a kiss that held promises of a very special night.  
  
"I'll see you when you get home." Luka said as he started to back away towards his car.  
  
"Luka," Sam called grabbing his shirt and pulling him back you her.

"Yes."

"I love you."

"I love you too Sam."


End file.
